Thoughts on the Saga of Michael Vick - Revisited
Part 2: Must Love Dogs
2007-08-29
By Patrice Evans
UPDATE:
Nearly two years ago, when the Michael Vick dog-fighting controversy started, Patrice Evans aka. The Assimilated Negro penned this article. We thought Vick’s release was a perfect time to revisit that article.
*Standard "Michael Vick story" Disclaimer: There have been no dogs harmed in the writing of this article, or in the general living of my life. I only use the word "love" in attempts to persuade girls I'm dating of our readiness for kinky sex, so I'm hesitant to use the term "animal-lover," but suffice to say we’re cool. I've picked up their poop. I've hung out with them at the dog park. I've adopted smelling behinds for identification purposes. What I'm trying to say is: I used to be a dogwalker. And I hope you're open-minded enough to recognize that as testament to something besides my poverty level. Namely my X-treme liking of dogs.
The disclaimer must come first, simply because the moral outrage over this unethical treatment of dogs has created another color of terror-alert. Dog-poop brown. It's a situation ripe for satire, as such we now have Black folks wishing they were a white person's dog.
I personally don't get it. Of course no one wants to see dogs get killed, but to put it bluntly, if we're all God's creatures, then where is God? Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say that dogs actually have rational minds and an inclination towards religion . That’s who they should be mad at; their absentee master, God. Otherwise you must acknowledge some natural selection going on at some level. You can't put a lion and an antelope in the house and not expect the lion to eat. You can't put R. Kelly, a gallon of water, and a teenage girl in the same house and not expect .. (well, you know). And now we know the same goes for Michael Vick and passive-aggressive pit bulls.
But don't try and sell me on Foofie's life being worth more than Michael's. If it makes me a cold bastard to think Vick is worth more than a handful of pit bulls, then toss me the black puffy Northface, cause my heart is freezing. I say if dogs deserve all this fair treatment, then let them fight for their rights like Black people have done over the years. America ain't easy, and all I know is I've seen the movie "Must Love Dogs" but I haven't seen the movie "Must Love Black People." So if these dogs are so impressive, let's see it.
Let's see them march on Washington, and have their leaders assassinated for the canine rights struggle. Let's see them get hosed by police, and attacked by, um, dogs. Let's see the doggy Rosa Parks refuse to give up her bone or tennis ball to her master/human oppressor as an assertion of her freedom and independence. Let's see them start doggy hip hop, the CNN for the kennels, and empower their young generation via their music-barking. We already have segregated dog parks, so they know about that. But the KKK? I say for all animals that demand equality, put up or shut up. And with dogs especially, seriously, shut up with the barking already.
Granted, they have some legitimate gripes: We've appropriated their culture for our own entertainment, many of our young people don't even realize that cultural institutions like Lassie and Benji actually started with Doggy-Americans. And surely some of them must despise being associated with hip hop via the likes of Snoop Dog and Lil Bow-Wow.
But let's not take it too far. Black people can be cute and cuddly too. And we used to be hung, and slaughtered in grotesque ways. So I think the dogs will make it through this.
Patrice Evans (aka The Assimilated Negro) is a writer, blogger and EbonyJet.com contributor whose work has appeared in Gawker, Time Out New York and The New York Times. His blog is www.theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com.
