Ask Neycha: Don't Want To Talk
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-06-26

Dear Neycha:
My eight year-old daughter is overweight by 20 or so pounds.  Because I was overweight when I was a child, and teased mercilessly about it, I can barely handle hearing all the unkind things people say to my daughter. She was invited to a sleepover recently at her best friend’s house and didn’t want to go.  When I asked her why, she told me that she was embarrassed to have on a bathing suit around her friends and then she broke down crying.  I was speechless.  I try not to make her weight an issue in our house and resist being like my mother who constantly reminded me of how “fat” I was whenever I went to get food.  I have been a decent weight for most of my of my adulthood and hope my daughter will follow in my path although my husband strongly believes we should be getting on her about her excessive overeating.  What do you recommend?
Don't Want To Talk About It

Dear Don't Want To Talk About It:
Talk about it! The negative consequences of not speaking to your daughter about her weight problem far exceed the benefit of the broken comfort you get from looking the other way.  Your child is in a health crisis, both physical and emotional! According to the US Surgeon General, half of overweight children and teens have a 70% chance of becoming overweight or obese adults.  This increases to 80% if either parent is overweight. However, the most immediate consequence of being overweight, as perceived by children themselves, is social discrimination. (www.americanscores.org) DWTT, your daughter NEEDS you now!  And she needs MORE than your passive hope that her weight will mimic your own and disappear as she matures.

Regardless of your offensive past with your mom and her funky attitude toward your eating, it’s no reason for you to consciously quit on your child.  Not only does your daughter need your unconditional love and support, she needs you to BE PRESENT and WILLING to offer her an educated perspective on balanced eating and healthy living. Finding yourself speechless (although reasonable given your history), offers NADA to your daughter.  Address her pain. Is she eating for comfort, etc.?  Obesity is NOT an isolated problem; rather it is a family problem.  If your family needs help identifying the deeper cause, get it, ASAP.  Then break the silence!

Instead of talking to your daughter about being “overweight” or “fat”, speak to her about FEELING GOOD.  Explain to your daughter how what she eats has a direct impact on how SHE FEELS and how physical exercise (or the lack of) affects her mood as well. Make sure that she knows physical activity is commonly associated with increased academic performance, high self-esteem, good mental health and enhanced self-concept.  TALK to her about these things in a manner that she can understand AND that will help her to get excited about the ways in which she can contribute to her overall wellbeing.

This crisis is a perfect opportunity to help your child become empowered rather than feel crippled by the remarks of the often naïve (unsuspecting children), and more often the insensitive and undereducated (unfortunately those like your momma). Choose to be different DWTT.   FREE YOURSELF from the shame and humiliation of your childhood!  The unresolved pain of the past has the tendency to make people repeat the SAME FOCKERY they were subjected to and abused by – EVEN IF they choose the polar opposite behavior.  SPEAK DWTT, directly to your daughter, but with kindness and sensitivity.  Your love pronounced through courageous dialogue is likely to save your daughter much, much sooner than silence.

 

Used Up

For Submissions
By submitting a letter here, you grant EbonyJet.com permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere. However, be assured that your e-mail will only be identified with an anonymous descriptive name.  No last name, email address or location is given out. Please note that due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond individually to every e-mail. Submit Now

The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only. 
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.