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Ask Neycha: Don't Want To Talk
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-06-26
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Dear Neycha:
My eight year-old daughter is overweight by 20 or so pounds.  Because I was overweight when I was a child, and teased mercilessly about it, I can barely handle hearing all the unkind things people say to my daughter. She was invited to a sleepover recently at her best friend’s house and didn’t want to go.  When I asked her why, she told me that she was embarrassed to have on a bathing suit around her friends and then she broke down crying.  I was speechless.  I try not to make her weight an issue in our house and resist being like my mother who constantly reminded me of how “fat” I was whenever I went to get food.  I have been a decent weight for most of my of my adulthood and hope my daughter will follow in my path although my husband strongly believes we should be getting on her about her excessive overeating.  What do you recommend?
Don't Want To Talk About It


Dear Don't Want To Talk About It:
Talk about it! The negative consequences of not speaking to your daughter about her weight problem far exceed the benefit of the broken comfort you get from looking the other way.  Your child is in a health crisis, both physical and emotional! According to the US Surgeon General, half of overweight children and teens have a 70% chance of becoming overweight or obese adults.  This increases to 80% if either parent is overweight. However, the most immediate consequence of being overweight, as perceived by children themselves, is social discrimination. (www.americanscores.org) DWTT, your daughter NEEDS you now!  And she needs MORE than your passive hope that her weight will mimic your own and disappear as she matures.

Regardless of your offensive past with your mom and her funky attitude toward your eating, it’s no reason for you to consciously quit on your child.  Not only does your daughter need your unconditional love and support, she needs you to BE PRESENT and WILLING to offer her an educated perspective on balanced eating and healthy living. Finding yourself speechless (although reasonable given your history), offers NADA to your daughter.  Address her pain. Is she eating for comfort, etc.?  Obesity is NOT an isolated problem; rather it is a family problem.  If your family needs help identifying the deeper cause, get it, ASAP.  Then break the silence!

Instead of talking to your daughter about being “overweight” or “fat”, speak to her about FEELING GOOD.  Explain to your daughter how what she eats has a direct impact on how SHE FEELS and how physical exercise (or the lack of) affects her mood as well. Make sure that she knows physical activity is commonly associated with increased academic performance, high self-esteem, good mental health and enhanced self-concept.  TALK to her about these things in a manner that she can understand AND that will help her to get excited about the ways in which she can contribute to her overall wellbeing.

This crisis is a perfect opportunity to help your child become empowered rather than feel crippled by the remarks of the often naïve (unsuspecting children), and more often the insensitive and undereducated (unfortunately those like your momma). Choose to be different DWTT.   FREE YOURSELF from the shame and humiliation of your childhood!  The unresolved pain of the past has the tendency to make people repeat the SAME FOCKERY they were subjected to and abused by – EVEN IF they choose the polar opposite behavior.  SPEAK DWTT, directly to your daughter, but with kindness and sensitivity.  Your love pronounced through courageous dialogue is likely to save your daughter much, much sooner than silence.

 

Used Up

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The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only. 
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist. 




9 Responses to "Ask Neycha: Don't Want To Talk"

06.26.08 at 9:56 AM
Patrica P. says:
I look forward each two weeks for your column.
This is one of the best advice columns I've seen in recent memory.
Ebony should be commended for having a fireball such as Neycha.
She is really stirring it up.

06.26.08 at 10:13 AM
someone's mama says:
Not dealing with her child's weight is tantamount to child abuse. Where is the kid getting all the food from? You don't gain 20-30 pounds (as a kid no less) by eating too much fruit and veggies.

Stop pacifying your daughter, get over yourself, and help her blossom into the person she is meant to be -- not the person crippled by your issues.

06.26.08 at 11:50 AM
B Lynn says:
You are sooooo correct on this one Neycha Darling! If DWTT cannot take a "courage pill" and comboy the hell up and help her child deal with this problem, maybe she should by her daughter a "sweat-box" for her next birthday; "tuff-love" still works also. In my day, we didn't have this problem, we actually enjoyed playing outside with all the running and stuff, the only weight problem we had as kids was we couldn't WAIT to play!!!!

06.26.08 at 12:48 PM
Ann Pannell says:
This is an extremely hot topic "child obesity". I am so glad that Neycha's answer gave the mother some helpful information not some fluff talk that makes the issue not relevant. It is time that we can go to a columnist like Neycha and get some very pertinent answers to some hard issues. Why can't her column appear on a weekly basis?

06.26.08 at 2:36 PM
B. Price says:
This is an ideal time for mom and daughter to spend some time together -- each day either walking 30 to 45 minutes or dancing to the music they love. Also, preparing healthy nutritional meals together.

06.27.08 at 11:04 AM
Tony Carter says:
Speaking from a male perspective, I enjoy reading Neycha's column. Sometimes, controversial, but always entertaining and enlightening. It gives men an opportunity to see how the other half thinks.

Great job Ebony for this column that is on the cutting edge of issues.

06.27.08 at 11:06 AM
Elliott D Roc says:
I would love to see Neycha's perspective on other issues that the country is facing today.
She is a catalyst for getting "us" talking.

06.27.08 at 11:13 AM
Pat C says:
As a pregnancy prevention specialist, I would love to know Neycha's opinion on the recent episode of 17 teenage girls getting pregnant. This episode is really stirring up a lot of talk. Unfortunately, when "our" girls typically get pregnant, society yawns and reviews this behavior as "business as usual".
Can an article be addressed to Neycha about this conversation?

07.03.08 at 3:34 PM
Sharon says:
Thank you, thank you, and thank you. This is problem that I am also having with my 14 year old daughter. She will be going to High School in September and she has been complaining about her weight but refuses to make the necessary changes. This article has given me more support to try a different way to approach my daughter.

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