Ask Neycha: Dating Mr. Broke
2009-01-15
Dear Neycha:
I have a dilemma. Back story first. It has always been my tendency to date men who are underachievers. I don’t set out to do this, but I always end up falling for the guy who’s broke. In the past this was okay because I was young and I figured we could build together. But I’m close to 40 (I still have a few years, wink), and I’m tired. My girlfriends, and especially my parents feel that I've been settling. They’re constantly preaching that I need to find a guy who’s financially stable. Okay, I hear that. But I've been seeing someone for a few months that I really, really, really like; he is so totally into me and a real sweetheart. He’s 43, an artist, and you guessed it – broke (for now – just needs a break). I just don’t know what to do. Here I am with the opportunity to fall in love with an amazing person who could be my life partner, but trying to keep real distance because he’s not financially stable. Is that right? I mean, it’s not like my bank account is overflowing either. And I feel like a jerk for wanting him to be better off than me. Is it okay to expect your partner to bring to the table something you’re still struggling with?
~Dating Mr. Broke, Atlanta, GA
Dear DMB:
Perhaps broke at forty-three is workable for you; maybe he lost all his money in a lousy investment. But I encourage you to step back and look at the full picture in Hi-Def. What is his success rate? Was he broke two years ago, six years ago? What has been the overall hue of his financial profile? If it is in the red, you better make sure you overstand homie’s real income making potential before you go committing.
My momma always told me you can do bad all by yourself. You don’t need two people to accomplish nothing. Is it okay to expect your “potential” partner to bring to the table something you’re still struggling with? Hmm, let me think for a sec. Ah…yeah! That is unless you WANT to remain stagnant.
A recent Time magazine article called The Happiness Effect, based on the work of Harvard social scientist Dr. Nicolas Christakis and his political science colleague James Fowler at the University of California at San Diego, explains that emotions and even behaviors can spread like an epidemic. If, according to the good scientists, we can “catch a case of happy,” then you need to consider why you keep catching broke.
What about this pattern is even remotely comfortable for you? And make no mistake about it, your history suggests that it is comfortable – this pattern of committing to “striving,” and seeing his “potential,” and cheerleading his game. All noble pursuits when you have two people coming to the table with genuine game plans and BOTH committed to reciprocity. But the problem is more often than not, anybody approaching 40, who’s not figured out how to really commit to herself, see her own potential or cheerlead herself to financial stability has a bit of a problem – and he’s not named “Mr. Broke.”
Try calling HER “Ms. More Comfortable With Being Needed Than Loved So Keeps Attracting The Needy.” I know the shoe fits, AND hurts, but how can you expect to evolve if you keep recycling the energy of need? Your need to be needed. Your need for money. His need for money. His need for “just one break.” Need, need, need! What IS necessary for YOU is to take practical steps to change this toxic and self-deprecating cycle.
I want you to do three things today that are a bit like creating your own Verizon network. Get a Financial Adviser, a Therapist and a steady, vivid image of a ‘Can Do’ man/woman. All three will “get you covered” sweetie. The Financial Adviser can help you get your finances in check, while the therapist can help you get your self-esteem in check. The image of the Can Do Man/Woman will get your visioning in check and help remind you that potential exists to be realized, not to just hang out in some perpetual state of striving. Catch a case of thriving lovey!
Trust me, you can no longer afford – either financially or psychically – the luxury of surrounding yourself with “brokenness.” While it is true as Gandhi loosely said that we must become the change we seek, it’s perfectly natural (wise even) to want to surround ourselves with those who can be a genuine example and source of inspiration today – not tomorrow.
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About Neycha
Holiday Blah
Ashamed of my Past
Getting Funked
Ready To Spill It
Haunted By The Ex
Following Love
Still Hustlin'
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
