Ask Neycha: Blindsided
2008-04-03
Dear Neycha:
I’m a 39 year-old caring and patient woman with a major problem. The guy I love and have been dating for 3 years recently proposed on my birthday. While I should have been excited (since it seems I’ve been waiting on this day for 2.5 years), I feel nothing but trepidation.
Here’s the deal. We have a genuinely loving relationship, full of support and mutual respect. However, by my fiancé’s estimation, our sex life is “totally lacking”. Not only does he complain that we don’t have sex enough (usually once or twice a week), but he says that I’m “not adventurous enough in bed”. These complaints over the years have only made me tense and honestly self-conscious. I've grown to dread having sex with him because I only find myself thinking of how little I please him when we’re making love.
I’m really not sure what to do to correct this major problem with my fiancé, and when he recently proposed, he stated that his “offer” was based on my getting some help in this area. To be frank, this ultimatum turned me completely off and has me contemplating whether to just call the engagement off. I love him and would love to spend my life with him if the circumstances were different. But I feel I deserve more patience (since I have been patient with his flaws – tight with money, stingy with compliments, agnostic, etc.) instead of someone who would extend a marriage proposal based on a condition. The nerve of him! Should I call it quits?
-Blindsided by an ultimatum, Alexandria, VA
Dear Blindsided:
There is no need to cuddle with trepidation. You’ve been waiting on this proposal for “2.5 years,” and you write that your relationship is loving, supportive and respectful. Your honey’s proposal (perhaps a bit flawed) is not the major issue here. Rather, it is your discomfort with sex – not your fiancé’s account - but your own description of “tenseness”, “self-consciousness,” and “dread”. Yikes! Sweetie, it’s time to free your inner sex goddess.
Commit to learning more about your body and what gives you pleasure. Then rock that knowledge with pure confidence every time you get a chance. Do this for you BBAU! When you are no longer focusing solely on whether you are “pleasing” your man when you’re in bed together and instead responding to the mini volcanoes erupting within your own body, you both are likely to find the sex more stimulating and pleasurable. Trust me!
Instead of holding on to your outrage over your fiancé’s ultimatum (which I’m generally never a fan of), I would give him a pass on this one and regard it as his genuine attempt to communicate how important the issue is to him. Sweetie, he could have just passed on the offer all together – men have avoided marrying for a lot less. He’s waited THREE YEARS! How much more patience do you believe is warranted? Pick up the pace. As the saying goes, it’s time to pee or get off the pot.
Celebrate your proposal, your man, and the future liberation of your inner freak! Let her bless you both and infuse your sex life with whatever it takes to make the relationship gel ‘cause life is too short to miss cuddling on a regular with someone you truly love and respect. Girl, make it do what it do now.
Doing the best I can
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.