Ask Neycha: Torn with Guilt
2008-02-13
Dear Neycha:
I come from a small town with few serious opportunities. For reasons I'll never understand, my whole family is still there. I went off to college and have been able to explore things unheard of by generations before me. Until recently everyone was fine with that. But now my parents are aging and there is pressure from my siblings to be more hands on in their care, which basically means being close enough to do supermarket runs and other basic things that really can’t be done unless I move back.
I understand their side, somewhat. But I also strongly feel that my parents worked as hard as they did so my generation could have exactly the opportunities I’ve been able to explore by moving away. And now that I have my own family, I think it’s even more important they be exposed to more places and greater opportunities.
I love my parents and can afford to visit fairly frequently as well as send for them to visit me, but I can't bear the idea of going anywhere near that town on a permanent basis. Help. I’m torn and the guilt is killing me.
Torn with Guilt
Dear Torn:
I don’t envy your position, which is like the New York Giants in the 4th quarter of the super bowl game -- critical. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the weight of sacrifice, or bear the relentless babble of guilt, you are definitely faced with a real life-straight up, no chaser- moment. But with every straight up moment comes the opportunity for profound introspection and genuine change. These moments force us to ask discriminating questions.
What do you have to offer? What are you willing to give? What role do you want to play in this situation? What decision can you be good with at night when you lay down for sleep? You have to determine the answers to these questions and allow them to be a barometer for what is acceptable to you. Because when it is all said and done, you’ve got to be able to live with your decision. Not waiver on it; regret it, complain about it, but genuinely co-exist with it.
In order to make the best decision, I encourage you to investigate what is having the most impact on your feelings about this situation and determine how valid the feelings are. Know what’s driving you, otherwise you will move into a life defining moment unconscious.
Consideration 1
So what if your siblings are placing pressure on you. Suck it up. Choke it down. It is not an evolved place from which to make a major decision. Neither is guilt, which is a completely useless emotion. (If you don’t believe me, try spending the rest of your day lounging in your guilty feelings and see if it changes anything.) Whether your siblings have inherited the role of caretakers, or signed up for it, it is a choice – even if by default. You too have the right to make your own choice. What do your parent’s want? Invite their feelings into the equation. Be mindful of their needs and do what honors you, respects what you have to give, and affirms the role you want to play.
Consideration 2
No matter where you grew up, it cannot be so bad that the idea of going there on a permanent basis is totally intolerable. What should be intolerable to you are the obvious judgments you hold about your small hometown. No matter what opportunities you have been afforded by moving away, (and I know there have been many – I did it too) your foundation was nurtured in the small town you now work to avoid at all costs. Can you really do that without disowning some part of yourself? Sounds suspect to me. No matter how far we go and how long we stay, we will always be a reflection of where we started. If you have feelings and judgments about it, get over it. This difficult decision is providing you with the opportunity to reconcile where you are with where you’ve been.
Consideration 3
Given proper nurturing and a sense of safety, children are flexible, adaptable and wide open. Your children are likely to gain exposure no matter where you live. You write that you can afford to send for your parents frequently. Just the same, if you were to move back home, you can send your children around the world to experience culture, art and life in the fast lane. We often place too much value on the opportunity to acquire things we can see and touch like degrees, fly jobs, hot cars, fab homes, etc., but we miss the value of things that exist beyond reach. Opportunity is not just that which we can touch with our hands. Opportunity is also what is embraced or exchanged that can’t be quantified. It is the beauty of the sun’s eagerness to bathe the earth at daybreak. It is the joy of laughing so hard with family and friends that you pee in your pants. It is the healing power of a baby’s smile and the kind words of a stranger. Opportunity is being blessed by the wisdom and sharp tongue of ‘ol folks who know too much to sugar coat life.
The choice to care for your parent’s full-time does not require you to forfeit your children’s exposure to opportunity, nor your own. It just requires that you become more radical and creative in how you envision meeting the needs of all concerned. What choice serves your parents? Your siblings? Your children? You? Where is the common ground? Find it. Walk it.
Make memories that will honor -- not haunt you.
I'm a blue-collar guy by choice...
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
