Ask Neycha
School Girl Crush
2008-02-27

Dear Neycha:
My high school reunion is coming up soon. I heard through a friend that my old boyfriend asked if I was coming. It has been years since we’ve seen each other. Suffice to say, there have been many changes in both our lives since then: we’re both married, both have children, both have either gained a few pounds or lost a few hairs. Ever since she told me he asked about me, I’ve been constantly thinking about him.  My husband and I get along fine and, while I do love him, thinking about the relationship I had with my old boyfriend has made me realize that I’m not really in love with him.  I feel as though I’m cheating just because I’m thinking about another man! I’m starting to think maybe I should skip the reunion because I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, and I’m afraid my husband (and my old boyfriend) would be able to tell what’s up immediately. How can I get control of these feelings?
-School Girl Crush

Dear Crush,
My sweets, your “old boyfriend” is your ex for a reason.  Memory got tricks.  It is much kinder in revising the past – makes everything more wonderful than it really was.  You know this don’t you SGC?  The real issue here is that because you found out your ol’ beau asked about you that you’ve been vacationing on the fantasy island where you and your ex use to get down.  The fantasy isn’t the problem, rather that through its lens you are now doubting that you’re really in love with your husband.  What?! 

Listen, it is highly dangerous for you to perceive your present relationship against the backdrop of a revised past.
I - DON’T - TRUST - IT and neither should you. 

Commit yourself to releasing your relationship with your husband from an unfair comparison to the past.  It serves no one in the end and hurts you the most if you go searching for a place that no longer exists.  Sweetie, the past is gone!  Give yourself the opportunity to really explore with earnestness what your real feelings are about your current relationship – and respond accordingly.  And don’t think for one second that because you’re thinking about your ex that it’s the same as cheating.  Definitely not!  Let’s keep it raw – everybody is thinking about somebody else some of the time.  It’s a natural part of our DNA and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise.  You can’t go through life letting the court of public opinion guilt you into shame over something so nat u ral!  Don’t do it.

If you were originally interested in and excited about going to your reunion, go!  Fearing that your “feelings” will be apparent to your old beau and your husband is just silly – because the reality is you’re likely to get there, see oldie with the extra pounds and missing hair and realize that memory, as is always the case, played a few games on you.  Trust that you can and will handle whatever feelings come up for you in real time.  If nothing else, it will provide you with an honest emotional commentary on both your feelings for your ex, and your husband – not to mention the life you’re leading today lovey. 

 

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