Ask Neycha: Used up
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-06-26
Dear Neycha:
I am very confused about whether to end the friendship I've shared with one of my best friends for years. We’ve been friends since college and I am thirty-six now. For the duration of our relationship, I've always been there for her. The problem is that whenever we connect, it’s always about her – her job, her relationships, her problems. Because she doesn't have a lot of family living, I've always felt the need to support her. Although now I am just drained from the one-sidedness. Very seldom does she ask about me. It’s almost hilarious. And even when it should be obvious that I’m going through something, she seems not to notice. When I recently tried to mention this to her, she got very defensive explaining that she gives what she has to give. Where to go from here?
-Used up, Atlanta, GA
Dear Used Up:
Move toward a more equitable relationship. Period! If your friend is unwilling to become more considerate of your feelings and needs, then you will need to move AWAY from her and TOWARD those who respect you as more than an emotional bank account to be constantly withdrawn from.
Used Up, you too will need to become more conscientious about how you cultivate your relationships. Your friend is selfish, but why have YOU allowed this lopsided relationship to go unchecked for SO LONG?! Perhaps you need to consider what turns YOU on about always being available to provide support. What do YOU get from being the one continually relied on - to avoid genuine intimacy (which requires receiving too)? - to dodge being vulnerable (which means risking exposing yourself)? - to maintain being in control, even if it’s costing you every bit of emotional energy you have available? How tiresome! Used Up, there’s nothing righteous about being selfless because it protects us from having to ever appear needy. (Been there, done that.) Dismount your armor now! Try on for size letting others be there for YOU.
IT’S OKAY to get your needs met too. Really! Stop accommodating being “used up” by your friend. Redefine the rules of engagement ASAP. If your friend cannot meet the challenge of an evolving relationship, then sadly the friendship will likely end. If so, mourn that loss, but CELEBRATE becoming someone who’s brave enough to have needs and pimp enough to get them met. That’s ridiculously sexy!
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About Necha
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
