Ask Neycha: Following Love
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-07-10
Dear Neycha:
I’m a 45 year-old superwoman in recovery and proud mother of two teenage girls. I have been raising them by myself since they were six and four. I have a job I enjoy that’s not to stressful and it pays the mortgage on the home I’m proud to own by myself. You get the picture - I have been a “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, never let you forget you’re a man” type of woman. But now I am happily no longer single. Praise God! I've met the love of my life. This is the second time around.
We’ve been dating seriously for about 3 months. He’s working, considerate and kind to me. We have a lot in common and for the most part get along very well. The problem, for my girlfriends anyway, is that he’s very much a man’s man. Meaning that he prefers to lead and I follow. He also encourages me to stop working so hard and let him “carry the load”. He feels like it’s my role to support and compliment him while he takes care of me and the girls. I don't know whether to feel good about that or pissed off that maybe he's trying to control me.
Shamefully I admit I've been cooking more than I ever use to, and dressing cute to see him smile. It's nice. I mean, I've been getting "financed" shopping sprees and days at the spa for the first time. I actually really enjoy the giving and receiving (although the receiving is foreign to me). My girlfriends are about to have heart attacks saying I’m being too submissive to him. But he’s good to me. What’s wrong with following?
-Following love, NYC
Dear Following:
Who owns this problem - you or your girls? You need to get clear about the roles being played in your life – the role of your ego, your man and your girls.
IF your new man is sincere, and indeed NOT attempting to force his own agenda by asking you to essentially change who you are at the core or quit your job so that you are financially dependent upon him, then keep rolling with dude.
If cooking and dolling up for him feels good TO YOU and you’re having fun doing it, then there’s no real problem other than the one owned by YOUR GIRLS – who feel like you’re being “too submissive”. That’s funny because they want you to SUBMIT to their point of view. However, I challenge to you to consider what THEIR point of view has done for you lately – besides cosign and instigate the played out attitude and behavior that’s left so many gansta supa women single.
We must have more critical thought about this archetype that so many of us have consciously and unconsciously invited into our lives. Although she heroically arrived on the scene when it was imperative that sistas figure out how to take care of themselves, there is a time and place for her bravado. And it is generally not inside the relationships we hope to sustain with the brothers who are WORTH our time, energy and love. I suggest you and your girls look at what you’re potentially missing by wearing an ego identity whose independence can keep you missing the point and beauty of the interdependent nature of healthy relationships.
You ask me whether you should be pissed off. For what lovey? Don’t snooze on the power of vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to step beyond the pretense of indifference, we can find scrumptious and righteous love. To believe otherwise is self-defeating. As Saul Williams questioned in his rhyme Penny For A Thought, “what have you bought into, how much will it cost to buy you out?
If you’ve found a GOOD man who wants to help ease the load in your life JUST because you’re worth it, then let him! It won’t kill you to follow sometimes. But trying to carry the load of GSW most certainly will. Unless you’re becoming someone you can’t stand to face in the mirror, then honey keep rocking the shopping sprees, pedicures and stilettos.
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About Neycha
Following Love
Still Hustlin'
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
