Ask Neycha: Haunted By The Ex
2008-07-31
Dear Neycha:
My boyfriend and I (both 36) are having a major disagreement over his ex-girlfriend who he was with for seven years, mostly problematic years. Their relationship ended in 2006, and we’ve been together since last year. I don't feel like he wants to get back with her although I cannot for the life of me understand why she’s still in the picture. Not only are they still friends, but she still maintains a close relationship with his family. I think it’s ridiculous. I feel like she’s a ghost from the past that haunts us today – at family functions, social gatherings, etc. I truly believe that an ex is an ex for a reason and that as long as she’s in the picture it will compromise my ability to develop a really strong and solid relationship with my boyfriend and his family. I feel like he should just let her go. I've had no problems severing ties with my exes. My boyfriend strongly disagrees and believes that it’s okay to maintain friendships with past flames. He says my insecurity over his ex is doing more damage to our relationship than his friendship with her is. I’m sick of it honestly and wondering if I should just tell him to cut her off or lose me?
Haunted By The Ex
Dear Haunted:
Ah, the dilemma of the ex - to chum or not to chum? Let me tell you straight off the bat I strongly disbelieve there is a general rule regarding what to do with past loves.
You dispose of yours when they transition to the ex category. Cool. That’s YOUR choice. It’s obvious that you find very little redeeming value in maintaining friendships with those whom satisfying romantic relationships could not be sustained.
Problem is that’s not your honey’s choice. And that should have been clear to you when you met him and realized that he and his ex kept tweetling around in a relationship that one of you define as “mostly problematic” for SEVEN YEARS. Surely this was some indication to you of both of their abilities to hold on. That you’re now somehow expecting this to miraculously NOT be the case just because you’ve arrived on the scene (You – the different one of course) is the same misguided thinking that arrests too many of us. Stop fooling yourself. History told you who he would be in this situation. Now let’s consider who you’re being.
Negative?
Haunted, if you genuinely believe your man doesn’t want to get back with his ex, what’s the problem? Your particular situation doesn’t provide any indication of ways in which the ex’s occasional presence has in fact “compromised your ability to have a strong and solid relationship” with your boyfriend or his fam. However, you can be sure that your belief in this possibility is quite likely to accelerate the relationship coming undone. Negative thinking unglues everything it touches.
Egotistical?
Why should your boyfriend just cut off his ex? Do you really want to give him an ultimatum? This sounds deeply lodged in ego. If he lets the ex’s friendship go, then what? You believe her absence will benefit your relationship in what ways? Better still, have you considered the aspects of your relationship you would be forced to see more clearly if the “ex-problem” were gone? Perhaps you don’t REALLY want a trouble free relationship with your honey as much as you want some indication of your fears being able to control him. Fear tries to dominate what it doesn’t understand.
Mistrustful?
Has your boyfriend given you any reason to mistrust him? Are there flags you happily ignored in the beginning that have now boomeranged? Unless your honey involuntarily morphs into a “Botox-grinning Bobblehead” every time the ex is around with you in the room, then this concern is probably more about you and YOUR past. Did someone pull a number on you that you’re still being manhandled by? That, my dear, IS an example of something from the past that needs to be cut loose. It’s much easier to look for the dirt under another’s rug than sweep away our own.
Haunted, challenging as it may be, please allow yourself to move into the center of all the questions I've posed and discover the answers BEFORE you start slinging ultimatums. More conscious, you can respond to this dilemma in a manner that honors both you and your relationship rather than react in a way that robs you both of a potentially lasting love. Work it out lovey.
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About Neycha
Haunted By The Ex
Following Love
Still Hustlin'
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
The Ask Neycha column is for entertainment purposes only.
Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
