Why Dogs and Not Lobsters?
Our Irrational Animal Love
2009-08-18
By Eric Easter
After Michael Vicks’s “60 Minutes” interview, someone sent me an e-mail with a Ghandi quotation -I paraphrase – that “ a nation’s humanity is judged by how it treats its animals.”
Really? Because I was thinking, you know, poor people. Or at least children. Maybe that’s just me. But if we’ve all bought that kind of thinking, perhaps somebody at PETA should be in charge of health care reform.
A doctor friend of mine spent considerable time in Somalia during the droughts in the early 90s. My obvious question to him after he got back from that starving land - "What did you eat?" His answer? Lobster. Bigger than your head. We ate like kings in the medical compound. Somalis don't eat lobster." Just as one man's trash is another man's treasure, one culture's delicacy is another culture's bottom-feeding water roach. So much so that folk would rather starve than consume it.
I don’t really get the dog thing, to be honest. I love dogs, sure. But I don’t recall even seeing a dog when I was growing up unless I was playing in an alley. They certainly weren’t jumping all over me during a meal while the owner was oblivious, saying “They’ll calm down in a few minutes.” I’m no psychologist but it seems clear to me that our growing relationship to animals is a direct result of our decreasing lack of relationships with other people in our society. There’s something very unhealthy in that dynamic.
The differences we assign to our treatment of certain animals is illogical at best, and often for no other reason than one being slightly cuter than the other even though they may be fundamentally the same animal. Our fear of rats vs. their winged and equally nasty flying version - the pigeon - is only one example.
As Michael Vick struggles and confesses all in an effort to move past his public shame, it’s time we took a look a deeper look at our incredible weirdness when it comes to the animal species.
Chickens: Free to Roam or Extra Crispy?
Poor chickens. We watched Foghorn Leghorn get smacked around by a dog and a midget bird over and over on Saturday mornings and apparently the image, with some help from the Colonel and KFC, did permanent damage. Apparently, nobody will go too far out of their way to stand up for a chicken.
Jesse Jackson has protested for the rights of chicken workers, but not the chickens. Even crunchy organic hippies only insist that chickens be allowed to roam free and live a little before you cut off their heads, scramble their children for breakfast and drink broth made from their boiled skin to cure your cold. Even the vegetarian and vegan industry feels compelled to manufacture a tofu chicken nugget.
People are quick to suggest a racial double standard on the Vick case, but Vick's predecessor just a few years prior was Roy Jones, boxing superstar and champion cockfighter. While the Vick case had the quarterback in jail and headed for a shaky and troubled comeback aking to work probation, Jones (who freely admitted his vice with no regret) only suffered a few verbal lumps from Hulk Hogan, a minor investigation by the Feds and a call from the Humane Society for HBO to sanction a fight. HBO passed.
Why just a slap of the wrist? Can you think of even one sympathetic chicken character in our popular culture? Does anybody ask their Mom if they can bring home a stray chicken?
The obvious dividing line here is level of tastiness. Chickens are apparently just too low on the food chain to warrant serious protection.
The Crustacean World: Freedom or Butter?
In 1996, Whole Foods Market, under pressure from some shadowy crustacean-centric lobbyists, ceased the sale of live lobsters in all their U.S. stores. The reason was to avoid accusations of cruelty. Whole Foods wasn't being accused of cruelty, however. No, it was you, me and everybody else who happily walked by those spiny creatures with full knowledge that they were in a glass enclosed Death Row, on their way to a hot (and buttery) execution.
Thing is, you can still buy a can of lobster meat at Whole Foods. Moreover, dead (and overpriced) animals abound in Whole Foods, they’re just grass-fed, organic and wrapped in plastic. Apparently, the distance between humans and the slaughtering process makes all the difference.
Why then no such outcry over the crab? Are the boiling screams of crabs no less than the passionate yelps of the regal lobster?
I’m from Baltimore, and have participated in the untimely death of many a crab and I can attest that the screaming thing is urban myth. It’s not a scream at all, it’s more a group sizzle followed by a couple of post-mortem twitches, then spicy and flavorful silence. Sounds brutal, but after you watch a bushel of crabs pull one another’s legs off in order to save their own butts, you’re reminded of your co-workers and, well, you’re pretty much ready for them to die by then.
That explains the crab conundrum, but then what about crawfish? Just baby lobsters , right? Same anatomy. Same relationship to cold beer. What’s the issue? Seems the more like an insect you look, the less love you get in proportion.
Squirrels: Adorable fuzzballs or tree rats?
Here’s why Disney can’t be trusted: they pushed Chip & Dale, the ultra polite squirrels on us and we fell for it hook, line and sinker. Next thing you know, your kids are in the park giving squirrels names and feeding them popcorn you bought with your hard-earned money. We’ve even mythologized the whole gathering nuts thing as some kind of analogy to thriftiness and wealth creation.Does a rat get the same treatment? Not on your life. We gladly give overfed squirrels the good food we eat, but hide the food we toss as garbage away from starving rats. Is that rational?
And how do squirrels repay us? By helping themselves to garden vegetables, throwing acorns at our heads, ripping $300 holes in our attics and causing thousands of dollars in electrical wiring fees, that’s how.
How long are humans going to hold the grudge against rats for that little bubonic plague misunderstanding? That was in 1665 for goodness sakes! O.J. Simpson can walk into a restaurant, but let a rat go in and all hell breaks loose.
Not that people haven’t tried to give rats a shot at redemption. Michael Jackson tried it with Ben. Pixar thought they were on to something with Ratatouille. But rats cooking dinner in a restaurant? Even my 3 year-old was offended. Nope, in this competition, squirrels get the nod, but only because of the bushy tail. Give a rat a blow dryer and no difference whatsoever.
Maybe with rats and squirrels we’re asking the wrong question. It shouldn’t be “Which is cuter?” It should be "Which is better - BB rifle or .22?"
